In my late teens, I had no real urge for doing drugs and often turned them down. I did love to drink though. I was my escape. It made me feel happy and I had fun most of the time. It never seemed to be a problem. Just about my 20th birthday, I got into smoking weed. Holding a job for the first time and going out in public caused what I would now consider mild anxiety. This is when I found Marijuana. I really liked this drug it was calming without the horrible parts of my drinking habit. Life was normal for a few years nothing big happened and I functioned normally and was all good. I did smoke a lot but it didn't seem to be an issue. I even got a better job working at a Casino. This is where my downward started.
Shortly after going to work at the casino I was sleeping in the commons are one day waiting for work to start and another employee gave me some coffee with meth in it. After a little back and forth I drank it and was amazed I felt like superman. Although I liked meth it was not my choice of drugs.
After a few weeks, I noticed a woman at work. I'm not sure why but I couldn't take my mind off her and for the first time, I introduced myself to a stranger. This was always something that caused me anxiety but I couldn't pass up the opportunity. The introduction went well and we talked often. I learned she was starting a divorce from a very abusive husband. After an incident at work with her soon-to-be EX, I happen to get the courage to comment the line "You know if you dated me this shit wouldn't happen." It worked and we started seeing each other shortly after that. Although we had lots of drama due to her psycho ex we got along very well.
My lifestyle remained fairly consistent for the next several months. we hit a small rough patch (many years later I found out it was due to her having a miscarriage) we got through it Things were good again. We had fun we spent lots of time together. After an argument and a couple of weeks "BREAK," we are good again and she is pregnant. I am excited and she doesn't seem like she is disappointed. Life is good outside of all her Drama with her ex.
What I believe is our daughter is born and things got weird, I was not called when she went into labor like we had discussed and she seemed to be pushing her drama toward me now. Everything was drawn out and arguing. We spit up for a month or so. She calls me and ask me to stop by after work. I do and we lay on the bed trying to put the baby to sleep. after we talk I tell her I had the baby and she could go take a shower and take a break. Our daughter was sleeping on my chest and I was in heaven. (This is the only time I ever got to hold her) She does her thing and about a half-hour later she comes back and puts the baby on the bed so we can continue talking. Things go well and we MAKE UP. We continue talking and I ask about the babies the last name. It had her last name. I ask why and wanted her to have mine due to me being the father. She tells me there is a very slight possibility it was her ex from our "Break". I told her all we had to do is get the test. I wasn't pissed about it because I slept around too during that time. I pressed this issue and she just shut up. I had to go home and go to bed for work at this time I kiss her and the baby and go home.
VANISHED. I called, stopped by, and tried to contact her for weeks. Finally, her mom says she just got home but doesn't want to talk to you "just give her some time" Time never came she moved a few weeks later. I felt lost and angry. Drug use skyrocketed. I went years High, drunk, or stoned. I would seek out more and more ways to get high and escape my reality. My spiral sped up quickly. "This event haunts me until this day"
I married someone who didn't make me happy making my drug use heavier. Meth use was off the charts and it was used almost daily along with pretty much anything else that would I could get high off of. We partied and had what felt like a blast at the time, drugs and partying where all I ever thought about.
That marriage ended when I stopped my drug use and got better. I found out she was cheating and I put a stop to the drug use and she left because of it. Choosing the life of drugs over me. (This event has a silver lining I will not know about for several years.)
I lived alone for a while but still drank heavily but drug use was gone. I was getting better although slowly.
More later.
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